Saturday, October 18, 2003

Advice to bin Laden
A new bin Laden cassette tape has surfaced on Al-Jazeera. He is calling for a holy war against the West. I blame this on Hollywood and their homogenization and corruption of the world. When the Right speaks of corruption emanating from Hollywood, they usually have moral corruption in mind. Me, I have artistic corruption in mind.

One of the most sacred rules of thumb in Hollywood is that when you have a successful formula, you do not stray from that formula in the slightest. This holds true whether you are producing movies, music albums, or television show. If the formula works, keep repeating it for all you’re worth until someone else stumbles on a new working formula, then slavishly copy their formula for all you’re worth.

If bin Laden was here, I would have to say to him, “Osama, baby, I know this holy war against the West shtick has been good for you, but it’s time to spread your creative wings and try something new. You’re a big man in the international terror world—as big as they come. You create trends; you don’t follow them. You might be the only man big enough to wear the mantle left by the late Barry White. At one dulcet word from you, ten thousand Palestinian kids will take up crooning, changing forever the shape of Middle Eastern politics. And one other thing, what's with the cassette tapes? Everyone knows CDs are where it’s at.” Yep, that’s what I’d say.

Okay, maybe I wouldn’t say that, but I’d be thinking it.

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