Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Bad morale
Things look bad in Terrorstan.
The U.S. military said Tuesday it has seized a letter from Iraqi insurgents believed to be intended for Jordanian-born militant Abu Musab al-Zarqawi complaining about low morale among followers and weakening support for the insurgency.


"What has happened to myself and my brothers is an unforgivable crime, but God will punish the oppressor," the letter reads. "I swear by God that you will be asked about what happened to us because you have not asked about the situation of the migrants. Morale is down and there is fatigue among mujahedeen ranks."

Fortunately for the insurgency, there are tried and true methods for dealing with morale problems.

First, terror management will have to go on a retreat somewhere really fun for a "working" weekend to brainstorm proactive solutions. When they get back, the first they will do will be to let the rank and file know they care by calling an insurgency wide meeting to roll out their new morale building program. The name of the program will form a clever acronym. Coffee and donuts will be served at the meeting.

To create a new sense of ownership and camaraderie among the rank and file, they will rename the terror cells, "teams." Next they will reinvigorate everyone's sense of friendly competitiveness by giving out a comical "terrorist of the month" award. Now that spirits are running high and everyone feels like they are really part of the insurgency, they will announce a new workaholic schedule of mandatory, unpaid overtime.

After three months they will tearfully lay-off all of the mujahedeen and outsource the insurgency to Shanghai.

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