Paul Ryan wants us to have a great Fourth... or something

Today, Paul Ryan's office issued an Independence Day statement. This should be a standard job that any political intern can do on autopilot. Just copy and paste some patriotic platitudes in a reasonable order and you're done. Go enjoy the weekend. Or so I thought. Apparently making sense out of the platitude file takes some talent.

WASHINGTON—Today, House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI) released the following statement in commemoration of Independence Day:
"On this year’s Fourth, we can celebrate the historic document that was signed—and the self-evident truths it declared. We can celebrate the historic battles that were fought so that those truths would embrace all of our people. We can remember the extraordinary men and women, so dedicated to those truths, who died on this day—and the millions of others whose names we’ll never know. Or we can remember—and give thanks—that we live in a country where all these things are possible. We still believe in those self-evident truths. We still struggle to live up to them. And really, what that struggle represents is the pursuit of happiness. So today, with great gratitude, we celebrate our independence."

It starts well and ends okay, but is incoherent in the middle. Let's unpack it.

It begins with a press release framing and puts the rest in quotes and italics so that we'll know these are his own special words. This is routine.

On this year’s Fourth, we can celebrate the historic document that was signed—and the self-evident truths it declared.

So far, so good. I would have started by calling it Independence Day rather than the Fourth, but that's just me.

We can celebrate the historic battles that were fought so that those truths would embrace all of our people.

Remember the fallen. Still good. You can never go wrong by reminding people that this is solemn, yet joyous occasion. Now it gets a little confusing.

We can remember the extraordinary men and women, so dedicated to those truths, who died on this day...

Who died on this day? Which extraordinary men and women? Was there a significant battle fought on July 4, 1776? How many women died in that battle? You're not saying "men and women" to be politically correct, are you? Or are you talking about all the American men and women (at least the extraordinary ones) who died on all 240 Fourths since then?

...and the millions of others whose names we’ll never know.

Millions died on the Fourth?! Are we counting all the Fourths since humans first strode the earth? Are we counting foreigners who died on the Fourth?

Or we can remember—and give thanks—that we live in a country where all these things are possible.

Is it an either/or prospect? Can't we do both? And which things are we talking about? So far, all you've mentioned are signing historic documents and dying on the Fourth of July.

We still believe in those self-evident truths.

The truths which you haven't seen fit to describe. I guess they really are self-evident.

We still struggle to live up to them.

How does one live up to a self-evident truth?

And really, what that struggle represents is the pursuit of happiness.

Thank goodness for that. For a moment there I thought we were struggling to die on the Fourth.

So today, with great gratitude, we celebrate our independence.

He then climbed into a fighter jet and took off to do battle with aliens over southern Nevada.