Medical advice

With the winter cold and flu season coming on and the possibility of millions dying in an uncontrolled pandemic of swine flu being hyped by the yellow press (and it's all yellow these days), many people are a little jumpy about feeling ill. Don't panic, not every sniffle or ache is a sign of swine flu. It might be a brain tumor.

My hypochondriac motto is "anything could be a brain tumor." Headache? Brain tumor. Pain in the elbow? Tumor in the part of the brain that registers elbow pain. Shortness of breath? Tumor in the part of the brain that controls breathing. Mood change? Clearly a brain tumor. Little lights on the edge of my vision? Actually, that's migraine coming on. I'd rather have a brain tumor. With vision effects, we move on to the subject of glaucoma panic, which is a whole other field of hypochondria.