Last throes

Every few days for the last four years I have heard about a particularly horrible car bomb killing dozens of people in Iraq who have crept out of their homes to try and buy food for their families. Every time, the atrocity is followed by some talking head on Fox, who has never been anywhere more dangerous than a parking lot with a broken light, telling us that this horror is a sign that we are winning. Less violence is a sign that the other side is losing and going away, but more violence is a sign that the other side is losing and getting desperate. But couldn't the exact opposite be true? Less violence is a sign that the other side is winning and preparing for their final offensive, but more violence is a sign that the other side is winning and the final offensive has begun?

When violence increases, how can we tell the difference? Simple, count the cars. If the other side has plenty of cars, it must mean that they are husbanding their resources for the final offensive. But, if they are running out of cars, it must mean that they are in their final throes. Now, naturally, with our satellite resources, we must have an exact count of the number of cars in Baghdad. When Dick Cheney, or some member of the White House Press office like Sean Hannity, says the other side is getting desperate they must know that they are running out of cars to blow up. The way to win this thing is to force the other side to use up all of their cars and deprive them of more cars.

I expect the Air Force to begin carpet bombing Toyota dealerships any day now. Fortunately I drive a used Chrysler.