archy

Big crybabies of NASCAR
Rookie Danica Patrick came in fourth at the Indianapolis 500 yesterday, chalking up the best finishing time ever for a woman driver and one of the best for a rookie. This should be something to cheer about for anyone who like racing, roots for the underdog, and likes to see records fall, but some people, predictably, see it as something to grouse about.

Robby Gordon accused Danica Patrick of having an unfair advantage in the Indianapolis 500 and said Saturday he will not compete in the race again unless the field is equalized.

Gordon, a former open-wheel driver now in NASCAR, contends that Patrick is at an advantage over the rest of the competitors because she only weighs 100 pounds. Because all the cars weigh the same, Patrick's is lighter on the race track.

"The lighter the car, the faster it goes," Gordon said. "Do the math. Put her in the car at her weight, then put me or Tony Stewart in the car at 200 pounds and our car is at least 100 pounds heavier.

"I won't race against her until the IRL does something to take that advantage away."

You see, it's not because she's a woman that he's playing the conservative persecution card; it's because she's small. Any expert on racing will tell you that this is an issue with deep roots. It has long been a tradition that all drivers weigh the exact same 205 pounds. In all the history of auto racing, no male driver has ever weighed less than any of the others. Any divergence from this is seen as taking unfair advantage of genetics and a sure cause for all of the other drivers to stay home and pout.

In fact, that's probably why she did so well. All the other drivers stayed home in protest--as the long established tradition dictated they should. I'll bet there were only three other drivers. That's why she came in fourth. It couldn't be because she's a better driver. After all, she's a girl.

Fortunately, NASCAR is a manly red state sport un-polluted by those un-American blue state values like equal opportunity and rooting for the underdog. I'm sure Robby Gordon will find plenty of other persecuted conservative white males to comfort him.