The candidate to beat Bush
In primary after primary, polling during the last few days before the vote as the undecides decide, shows that most Democrats are choosing their candidate based on who they think has the best chance of beating Bush. No single issue or broad philosophical stance matters as much as just sending that shallow frat boy back to Crawford in disgrace. Exit polling confirms this.
Therefore, I think we need to reconsider our slate of candidates. It’s not too late for a grassroots insurgency to sweep the primaries. There is only one possible candidate with a proven record of bringing Bush to his knees. There is only one possible candidate that has knocked Bush out before and can knock him out again. We need to nominate a pretzel.
Oh sure, I hear you saying a food product can’t run for public office. Take a look at the Republican House leadership. Don Young is clearly a vegetable, and not the only one. Take a look at your own state legislature. I’m sure every reader can name at least one vegetable, ham, tub o’lard, or big block of stinky cheese that has been elected and re-elected by the informed voters of your state.
Pretzel, being a Central European bread product, must represent the Northeastern urban or steel belt immigrant ethnic component of the Democratic Party. For regional and other constituent group balance, the running mate must be a Southerner and something other than a food product. We are blessed to have the perfect candidate with its hat already in the ring this year. I am talking, of course, about Gay Penguin. Who better speaks (or squawks, as the case may be) for the Southern constituency than a penguin?
There you have it folks, the unbeatable ticket for ’04: Pretzel and Gay Penguin. Once we nominate them there will nothing left to do except plan the inauguration party.